Sunday, 10 March 2013

What My CV Would Say If I Told The Truth

I got pissed off with writing and re-writing my CV and trying to make myself sound great, so I've just written the truth instead.

Hello My Name is Rosy and I am great but slightly unhinged
Address: Close enough that I don’t have to get a bus, hopefully
Mobile: If you do call me, don’t call me on private number. I’ll assume you’re a debt collector and I won’t answer
E-mail: Don’t e-mail me. I won’t read it until a week or so later and then I’ll hate myself for it.

Personal Profile
I’m at university and I nap a lot. I’m capable of doing menial tasks for minimum wage. Employ me, I’m poor and I want nice clothes and to be able to buy rum that isn’t from the Tesco Every Day Value range.

I got a B in French but I don’t remember anything. I also got an A in RE, which is pretty useless. I have some A-Levels too. I’m capable of passing exams which only really serve to prove that I can make fancy spider diagrams to help me memorise facts that I won’t remember in a year. Employ me, I’m not an idiot.

Work Experience and Skills
I worked in TK Maxx and Marks & Spencer, both of which made me hate human beings and learn how to turn into a robot who doesn’t get upset or shout at people when they are rude to me. It also made me hate the Christmas period and Christmas songs.
I am an expert at re-hanging and re-folding clothes that people dump on the floor, because they seem to think that people who work in retails are their servants.
I am capable of using a till. I might be unstable but I'm not a moron.
I am also capable of working in a team and being nice to co-workers even though half the time I kind of just want to be left alone. But I’ll feign interest if you want to tell me about your weekend or your child and the uninteresting things they’ve done, like draw a picture that takes me hours to work out what the fuck it is or doing a shit in their potty or something.
I also once worked in a call centre where I rang people up and harassed them into doing surveys. It was awful, but at least I got to sit down. I’d do something like that again if you payed me for it.
I promise not to smoke when I’m wearing my work uniform.
I will hide all my status' about hating my peasants job and what a dick you are from you on Facebook.
I will also try to only call in sick when I am actually sick, but I will be convincing when I’m really calling in because I’m hungover and want to lie down for the day.

Hobbies and Interests
I like to read and call people out on the internet when they make rude racist or sexist comments.
I spend an unhealthy amount of time trying to work out a polite way to ask men I fancy to come round and lie on top of me, and crying over male celebrities who will never love me. Sob.
I’m drunk roughly 60% of the time.
I spend a lot of time in the library. I wheel around on the chairs and spend ages looking for books I don’t need so I can avoid doing work.
I also spend a lot of time questioning why I decided to come to university and thinking about running away and living in the forest with a nice bearded man who will build me a wooden house. We could live off of wild mushrooms and whatever animals he happens to shoot that week.

PLEASE EMPLOY ME OH MY GOD I AM SO POOR AND I DON’T REALLY WANT TO LIVE IN THE FOREST. Seriously, I can't extend my overdraft anymore. Help.